Mattress luging...It's a long story.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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