I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
