is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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