When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
