we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
