whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
