Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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