BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
