At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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