she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Less talking, more tequila
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
