I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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