Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
