I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
