Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
