He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
