I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
