Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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