I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
