i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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