Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
