Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
