I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
