Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
