he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
