oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Randomize
