Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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