Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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