i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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