But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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