Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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