i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
