it's like iHOP with fire
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
