The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
