if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
