There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
