Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
