my phone cant type all the emotion im having
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
