Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
