A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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