Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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