She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
