It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
