The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
