the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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