Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
