How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
where are you?
Hypothermia
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
