Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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