I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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