I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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