made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
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